anger

 I am angry.  I am very angry. I am extremely angry. I don't think I have ever really said this out loud in 30 years. The last time I told someone I was angry was to my mom seconds before she died. I was so angry she was dying on me.  I was 21 and still really needed her and she left. I know why she died, and accept there was nothing the doctors could do for her anymore, but she left me just like Kathryn left me, and just like my birth father left me.  They left before knowing me. 

Now I am angry because no one stays.  Once I allow them in and let them get to know me they leave.  Most of the time, when they leave, they create damage in their wake.  It is not pleasant or friendly.  Most recent one that I experienced was in 2019 and the experience was so harmful that I have not let anyone in.  It was horrible and she was extremely brutal to me at the ending of that friendship.  It left me questioning and very angry. 

The biggest thing for me was it left me with so much anger and so little trust.  It left me isolated because she used our mutual friendships against me.  So I did what I normally do, take that anger out on myself.  I ate and did not care. 

This last 6 months have been amazing.  I bought a condo, an actual home for me that is all mine.  It is breaking things open in a way that I have not experienced in 30 years. As I write this, I am realizing that this year is the 30th year of my mom's passing.  And the anger of her leaving is still here.  The world has become the focus of my anger.  The walls of the world are breaking down.  So much hate is out there, how does one navigate it?  How does one not absorb it? I want to eat. I want to numb the feelings that I have.  

Today I recognize the anger.  I feel it. I feel the stress of it in my shoulders and the ache it is causing my body.  I feel it hurting me. Affecting my sleep and my waking hours.  I feel it shutting me down cause I don't want to feel it.  I don't want to scream in my pillows and beat my fists on the bed.  I feel the heaviness of it on my body and soul.  

Now comes the work.  

Meraki, the moon and Self

Meraki:  to do something with soul, creativity or love.  to put something of your self into your work.  

Moon: natural satellite to the earth, that affects the oceans and tides.

the Self:  the internal psyche that defines who we are

Meraki is becoming more and more important to me as I break apart who I am and heal my past.  All my energy is being focused on this right now.  I realized recently that over my life figuring out who I am has been my meraki. All the therapy, spiritual work, writing, school work, work work, friendships, relationships, art, everything has been my meraki. Whatever I do, create, or how I act, there is a part of me in it.  I don't do anything lightly.  I love and create deeply and from my soul. I understand this might not be the right use of the word, but it explains me and how I feel. 

The Moon has always fascinated me, even when I was a kid.  I loved to stare at it, fascinated by how it changed over the month.  I remember when I was first taught how connected women cycles and the moon were, especially back before the invention of electricity.  I was in my teens and it really made an impression on me and my body.  Learning how much the monthly lunar cycle affected a women's reproductive cycle, helped me understand the monthly changes my body went through.  I feel a lot of things pretty intensely during this time.  Allowing myself to honor these feelings became important to me.  Our current society does not put enough merit into emotions; for both women and men.  We have ignored them, hiding them to protect ourselves from conflict. I do admit though I have allowed myself to hide this part of me when I am around others, especially when I am around men. I seem to give up what gives me strength when I get involved with someone on an intimate level. 

These are things that define me and mean a lot to my soul and who I am.