Found out today that my bio-mom is back in the hospital. The rational/logical part of me says what she is experiencing is from the morphine, but the emotional side is saying I will not get to see her before she passes on.
I have many conflicting feelings about this: guilt, relief, fear, worry, love. My heart hurts right now. The area where I feel my primal wound the most - about two inches to the right from my heart - feels like a knife is sticking in it. I worry the family will judge me if I can't get down there soon enough. These feelings are similar to what I felt as a teenager every time my mother was admitted into the hospital.
I am grateful for the phone calls I have shared with her. It reminded me of the last time I hear my mothers voice - she called me to tell me what a wonderful, amazing beautiful woman I was. This was right before she died. My calls with my bio-mom remind me of that call. Every time she talked to me (except for last night) she mentioned how beautiful and wonderful I am. I don't feel so beautiful or wonderful right now. I feel selfish for putting my needs to finish the school quarter before showing up for her.
Please god, please goddess don't take her yet. allow me to show up for her and be the daughter she deserves. Allow me to be the daughter both my mothers deserved. I don't want to repeat the past, yet it seems I might be destined to.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Accepting and the process
I know it has been a few months. Life has a strange way of distracting one from dealing with things at times. A lot has happened during this time. too much to go into detail with, except for one very big thing. One of the reasons I began writing this blog was to help work through some issues around being adopted and separation trauma. Well on the adoption issue, my maternal biological family contacted me about a month ago. It turns out my bio-mom is very sick.
While I know I have the tools to cope with this, the little girl in me (the one who went into survival mode when I was told my Mother could die from an operation she was having) just wants to sit in the corner with her arms around her knees crying, repeating over and over again "I don't want my mommy to die." These feelings are surfacing again which is allowing me to process these feelings and actually feel them. It is hard. It is scary. I am scared for her right now. I know I am being given a gift by being here for her right now and reconnecting with her. But I am also just wanting to cry, because I don't want my mommy to leave me again.
A big part of this is that in my life I have lost my mother twice. That is already once more than most people go through. I lost one mother at birth, and another when I was 21. I really don't want to lose my mother again at 42. Damn, I see a pattern there, and I don't really want to see this pattern. Please goddess please let this not be a true pattern and if there is a pattern please goddess let this pattern break. I would like to not have to walk through this again. My heart hurts. The difference this time is I can feel and acknowledge these feelings I am having while I am having them. Now I get to learn to be honest about these feelings with her, feel them and allow her to see me feel them.
While I know I have the tools to cope with this, the little girl in me (the one who went into survival mode when I was told my Mother could die from an operation she was having) just wants to sit in the corner with her arms around her knees crying, repeating over and over again "I don't want my mommy to die." These feelings are surfacing again which is allowing me to process these feelings and actually feel them. It is hard. It is scary. I am scared for her right now. I know I am being given a gift by being here for her right now and reconnecting with her. But I am also just wanting to cry, because I don't want my mommy to leave me again.
A big part of this is that in my life I have lost my mother twice. That is already once more than most people go through. I lost one mother at birth, and another when I was 21. I really don't want to lose my mother again at 42. Damn, I see a pattern there, and I don't really want to see this pattern. Please goddess please let this not be a true pattern and if there is a pattern please goddess let this pattern break. I would like to not have to walk through this again. My heart hurts. The difference this time is I can feel and acknowledge these feelings I am having while I am having them. Now I get to learn to be honest about these feelings with her, feel them and allow her to see me feel them.
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