I know it has been a few months. Life has a strange way of distracting one from dealing with things at times. A lot has happened during this time. too much to go into detail with, except for one very big thing. One of the reasons I began writing this blog was to help work through some issues around being adopted and separation trauma. Well on the adoption issue, my maternal biological family contacted me about a month ago. It turns out my bio-mom is very sick.
While I know I have the tools to cope with this, the little girl in me (the one who went into survival mode when I was told my Mother could die from an operation she was having) just wants to sit in the corner with her arms around her knees crying, repeating over and over again "I don't want my mommy to die." These feelings are surfacing again which is allowing me to process these feelings and actually feel them. It is hard. It is scary. I am scared for her right now. I know I am being given a gift by being here for her right now and reconnecting with her. But I am also just wanting to cry, because I don't want my mommy to leave me again.
A big part of this is that in my life I have lost my mother twice. That is already once more than most people go through. I lost one mother at birth, and another when I was 21. I really don't want to lose my mother again at 42. Damn, I see a pattern there, and I don't really want to see this pattern. Please goddess please let this not be a true pattern and if there is a pattern please goddess let this pattern break. I would like to not have to walk through this again. My heart hurts. The difference this time is I can feel and acknowledge these feelings I am having while I am having them. Now I get to learn to be honest about these feelings with her, feel them and allow her to see me feel them.
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