Found out today that my bio-mom is back in the hospital. The rational/logical part of me says what she is experiencing is from the morphine, but the emotional side is saying I will not get to see her before she passes on.
I have many conflicting feelings about this: guilt, relief, fear, worry, love. My heart hurts right now. The area where I feel my primal wound the most - about two inches to the right from my heart - feels like a knife is sticking in it. I worry the family will judge me if I can't get down there soon enough. These feelings are similar to what I felt as a teenager every time my mother was admitted into the hospital.
I am grateful for the phone calls I have shared with her. It reminded me of the last time I hear my mothers voice - she called me to tell me what a wonderful, amazing beautiful woman I was. This was right before she died. My calls with my bio-mom remind me of that call. Every time she talked to me (except for last night) she mentioned how beautiful and wonderful I am. I don't feel so beautiful or wonderful right now. I feel selfish for putting my needs to finish the school quarter before showing up for her.
Please god, please goddess don't take her yet. allow me to show up for her and be the daughter she deserves. Allow me to be the daughter both my mothers deserved. I don't want to repeat the past, yet it seems I might be destined to.
If I had to guess, I would say that your moms would want you to push through with school and be the You that YOU deserve to be.
ReplyDeleteI understand about the need for closure. After my mom passed in 2007, I had this newly awakened anger that I didn't ask her the things I wanted to, or say the things I needed to before she died.
But above all things, what's most important for us, is that we heal... for Us, and no one else.
There is nothing to feel guilty about in putting yourself first. At the same time, I send a wish into the Universe for you that you be able to see her. Know that whatever happens, it is what is meant to happen. ((hugs))