Breaking down of a self no longer needed

Radical change is happening right now. It feels all I can do is cry or get angry.  And at times just not want to feel.    In the past I would have likened this to a Phoenix, but now I feel more like a pile of  compost.  All hot and moist.  this might explain the night sweats and tears that are readily available at a moments notice.  The hardest part is finding out how all this is affecting every area of my life and every person in it as well.

I feel lost in all this. Not knowing which way to turn or which way I am going.  I don't feel authentic right now, mainly because I don't fully know who I am or who I am becoming.  I fear all the change.  I fear that who I become will not fit in with my current life. I don't want to lose my life and those in it who mean so much to me.  I know what ever is happening is a major life change.  I will either change these things about myself now or it will never happen.  I know deep inside these things are not beneficial.  But who will I be is a very scary question. Time to have faith and trust that everything will turn out the way it is supposed to.   

Stories one tells themself

One thing I have become very aware of in this relationship, is the stories I tell myself when a trigger happens.  This came out of self protection, and out of self preservation as to not be blindsided during conversations with my family.  It is hard for me to just talk and share my feelings to another.  This comes from not feeling like anything I say is important. My father would not sit and talk to me, the paper was always up between us, or something like that. It is not useful. I don't listen clearly because of it.  Some days are easier than others in regards to the stories. Today is not one of those days.

I have been doing pretty good today, was able to rationally deal with my emotions. But this evening not so good, this is because I see things and make up meanings that might not be true.  Then I act on those meanings, instead of asking questions.  Even just writing this hurts, and makes me feel lost.  I hate questioning all this. I hate the stories in my head.  I want them gone and I want to feel found.

These stories exhaust me to no end. The overwhelm my emotions and stress me out so that I can't do anything.  Living becomes a chore.  I hate these stories. I hate making them up. I hate living this way.  I want my life, without stories and without being so afraid to live it.

Hard lessons being learned

I am learning how to deal with my needy desires...I never realized how needy I was until recently being shown how they have affected my relationship.  It is hard owning this. The shame I feel for hurting someone so much is something I feel daily, but trying not to act on it. I know that while he is willing to stay with me and work through this, there is a distance between us. This distance I know is because of my actions.  I don't know if we will get back what we once had.  I know everything is contingent on my growth in this area and certain behaviors changing. This is hard. It is hard because I need to stretch myself and I need to trust completely. It is sometimes overwhelming for me. I have no expectations of him right now. I can't. I need to trust him and to love him.

As I become more and more conscientious of things, and try to remember to stop, breathe, and center before I respond to something, I feel the tension in my body. Awareness of my muscles tensing, my heart speeding up, the acids in my stomach churning that I can't eat, are very present. but it is hard.  As my body tenses it is like my muscles are hardening to create an armor to protect me.  this is hard

This is armor I don't want because it is not helpful armor, it is the armor that has kept me shut down for 40 years. It is the armor that did not let me fully trust people, that kept me hidden and alone.  So as not to allow this armor to stick, I am constantly stretching my shoulders, my back and my body.  I am allowing myself to feel what it like to stretch open, instead of shutting down. This physical, emotional, and mental stretching is an actual feeling - like physical pain, or pleasure - that I am feeling.  Instead of eating or running away from it. But it is hard.  I know I am supported in this work, by him and by others. But it is hard, because I am constantly questioning. Even now I want to say things about what I am feeling but I stop myself, realizing they might come across wrong or hurtful.  So it is hard and very tiring.

I just hope everything will turn out the way it is supposed to. yes to be honest, I have a desire around how I would like it to turn out, but I recognize that is a desire, and might not be the true outcome.  And I realize how much this blog is helping too.

time to grow up

Reading Coming Home to Self is challenging me and causing me to have to make some hard realizations.  The biggest one right now is regarding where I am emotionally and what I can handle right now.  The hard part is owning it, and making the right decisions. Decisions that affect many areas in my life, and decisions that will not hurt others, cause I am tired of others being hurt by my trauma. I have to step back from my feelings, and use reason to make these decisions, which means I have to grow up and let go.  Letting go, one of my biggest challenges. But I need to do this, in order to grow up and become my true self.
My true self, ha, I realized yesterday I need to find me. I am 41 years old, and I don't really know who I am. I know some things that I like, but acting from my true nature, well let's say that I don't know and I am still mirroring what everyone wants me to be.

Triggers

Years ago, my father gave me the book written by Nancy Verrier called The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child.  It was an interesting read, but it was telling me something I already knew.  That my adoption caused a deep wound in me that causes me to not feel right or worthy in this world.  What it didn't tell me was how to heal it or live with it.  I guess I was not the only adoptee that felt this way, because she came out with a second book called Coming Home to Self:  The Adopted Child Grows Up. I am interested in reading this one, because anything to help me learn how to live with this and have better relationships would be awesome right now.  The reason all this came up for me today was that I had a conscious moment around a trigger as described below.

I woke up this morning with a headache, and not feeling well at all. Stuffy, coughing, sore throat and run down. So I stayed home from work to rest and allow my body to do what it needs to do to heal.  I forget how much not feeling well triggers the feelings of guilt and the people pleasing when someone tries to take care of me.  My love came home and picked me up from our apartment to some time with him as he finished work.  He then took me to the only New York deli here in Seattle so I could get some matzo ball soup. He did this for me - dealt with rush hour traffic, parking on a busy street, and taking me someplace he does not like, just to help me feel better and get some comfort, healing food.

It was hard for me when I found out that he was doing it because he loved me and wanted me to have what would make me feel better. I had to be very mindful about stopping my automatic speech and just saying thank you.  It was hard not to feel guilty but I know he loves me and it is okay for me to be loved.  That is hard, because I don't feel I deserve it. But he thinks I do. I believe in him and hope that will allow me to believe in me someday.

Lessons around communication

Yesterday was a full emotional day of learning to speak honestly about how I feel about things in my life and with my relationship.  I took inventory of the last while, shared it with my dear boyfriend, and realized where I was wrong and who I had hurt. I then as they tell you in 12 steps programs made amends. I took responsibility for my actions and apologized.  I was honest about how I felt as well. Maybe it was too much in one sitting, but I needed to be honest about the hurt I caused and about my hurting.  And through it all I wanted to fill the void I had deep inside.  The big black empty space that adoption created and I never knew how to heal.  Except by causal sex, alcohol, drugs and food

this time I have not been eating.  I have lost 16 pounds and it is because I am not stuffing my face to fill the void. 4 pounds came off since Thursday, and it is not from lack of food, but from feeling everything and learning to be completely honest in how I feel. It is hard. I be open with what I want even if it is not what another wants. It is hard. I am leaning to be more mindful and not just speak off the top of my head the first thing I want to say.  It is hard, because I realized yesterday how automatic it is for me to just say what I think the other wants to hear, even if it is not what I want.

It is hard but I am learning.

To Know Thyself

I did not realize how hard it would be to know all the parts of me that I hold in shadow. I put band aids over so much of my shit.   My spiritual path has me discovering these shadows, and have greater understanding on who I am and what created me. My biggest shadow and identifier is I am Adopted. I am just now realizing how much being adopted affected who I have become and how I am in the world. And to be honest, how it affects those who love me.

I recently began read a book on adoption issues, and read something that describes me perfectly. A woman interviewed talked about wearing a blank mask, which everyone drew on the face of who she would be. I learned how to be something similar very early on. I learned to tell everyone what they wanted to hear, to make them happy. Everyone's happiness was more important than my own, because I was chosen, I was special, I was wanted.  Funny thing is I never felt chosen or special or really wanted for the right reasons. I always felt I had to prove myself to be the "right" daughter, or employee or friend, or even girlfriend. 

I still do this today. I still am trying to prove I am right and deserve to exist. I am sure it is exhausting to those who do love me. Because it is exhausting to me.  I always give everything to everyone, not being honest with what I want, and then wonder why I am so drained and not happy.  It is a pattern. One that I don't know yet how to break, but am willing to find a way to break it.