I recently began read a book on adoption issues, and read something that describes me perfectly. A woman interviewed talked about wearing a blank mask, which everyone drew on the face of who she would be. I learned how to be something similar very early on. I learned to tell everyone what they wanted to hear, to make them happy. Everyone's happiness was more important than my own, because I was chosen, I was special, I was wanted. Funny thing is I never felt chosen or special or really wanted for the right reasons. I always felt I had to prove myself to be the "right" daughter, or employee or friend, or even girlfriend.
I still do this today. I still am trying to prove I am right and deserve to exist. I am sure it is exhausting to those who do love me. Because it is exhausting to me. I always give everything to everyone, not being honest with what I want, and then wonder why I am so drained and not happy. It is a pattern. One that I don't know yet how to break, but am willing to find a way to break it.
No comments:
Post a Comment