To Know Thyself

I did not realize how hard it would be to know all the parts of me that I hold in shadow. I put band aids over so much of my shit.   My spiritual path has me discovering these shadows, and have greater understanding on who I am and what created me. My biggest shadow and identifier is I am Adopted. I am just now realizing how much being adopted affected who I have become and how I am in the world. And to be honest, how it affects those who love me.

I recently began read a book on adoption issues, and read something that describes me perfectly. A woman interviewed talked about wearing a blank mask, which everyone drew on the face of who she would be. I learned how to be something similar very early on. I learned to tell everyone what they wanted to hear, to make them happy. Everyone's happiness was more important than my own, because I was chosen, I was special, I was wanted.  Funny thing is I never felt chosen or special or really wanted for the right reasons. I always felt I had to prove myself to be the "right" daughter, or employee or friend, or even girlfriend. 

I still do this today. I still am trying to prove I am right and deserve to exist. I am sure it is exhausting to those who do love me. Because it is exhausting to me.  I always give everything to everyone, not being honest with what I want, and then wonder why I am so drained and not happy.  It is a pattern. One that I don't know yet how to break, but am willing to find a way to break it.