Triggers

Years ago, my father gave me the book written by Nancy Verrier called The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child.  It was an interesting read, but it was telling me something I already knew.  That my adoption caused a deep wound in me that causes me to not feel right or worthy in this world.  What it didn't tell me was how to heal it or live with it.  I guess I was not the only adoptee that felt this way, because she came out with a second book called Coming Home to Self:  The Adopted Child Grows Up. I am interested in reading this one, because anything to help me learn how to live with this and have better relationships would be awesome right now.  The reason all this came up for me today was that I had a conscious moment around a trigger as described below.

I woke up this morning with a headache, and not feeling well at all. Stuffy, coughing, sore throat and run down. So I stayed home from work to rest and allow my body to do what it needs to do to heal.  I forget how much not feeling well triggers the feelings of guilt and the people pleasing when someone tries to take care of me.  My love came home and picked me up from our apartment to some time with him as he finished work.  He then took me to the only New York deli here in Seattle so I could get some matzo ball soup. He did this for me - dealt with rush hour traffic, parking on a busy street, and taking me someplace he does not like, just to help me feel better and get some comfort, healing food.

It was hard for me when I found out that he was doing it because he loved me and wanted me to have what would make me feel better. I had to be very mindful about stopping my automatic speech and just saying thank you.  It was hard not to feel guilty but I know he loves me and it is okay for me to be loved.  That is hard, because I don't feel I deserve it. But he thinks I do. I believe in him and hope that will allow me to believe in me someday.