Yesterday was a full emotional day of learning to speak honestly about how I feel about things in my life and with my relationship. I took inventory of the last while, shared it with my dear boyfriend, and realized where I was wrong and who I had hurt. I then as they tell you in 12 steps programs made amends. I took responsibility for my actions and apologized. I was honest about how I felt as well. Maybe it was too much in one sitting, but I needed to be honest about the hurt I caused and about my hurting. And through it all I wanted to fill the void I had deep inside. The big black empty space that adoption created and I never knew how to heal. Except by causal sex, alcohol, drugs and food
this time I have not been eating. I have lost 16 pounds and it is because I am not stuffing my face to fill the void. 4 pounds came off since Thursday, and it is not from lack of food, but from feeling everything and learning to be completely honest in how I feel. It is hard. I be open with what I want even if it is not what another wants. It is hard. I am leaning to be more mindful and not just speak off the top of my head the first thing I want to say. It is hard, because I realized yesterday how automatic it is for me to just say what I think the other wants to hear, even if it is not what I want.
It is hard but I am learning.
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