time to grow up

Reading Coming Home to Self is challenging me and causing me to have to make some hard realizations.  The biggest one right now is regarding where I am emotionally and what I can handle right now.  The hard part is owning it, and making the right decisions. Decisions that affect many areas in my life, and decisions that will not hurt others, cause I am tired of others being hurt by my trauma. I have to step back from my feelings, and use reason to make these decisions, which means I have to grow up and let go.  Letting go, one of my biggest challenges. But I need to do this, in order to grow up and become my true self.
My true self, ha, I realized yesterday I need to find me. I am 41 years old, and I don't really know who I am. I know some things that I like, but acting from my true nature, well let's say that I don't know and I am still mirroring what everyone wants me to be.

Triggers

Years ago, my father gave me the book written by Nancy Verrier called The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child.  It was an interesting read, but it was telling me something I already knew.  That my adoption caused a deep wound in me that causes me to not feel right or worthy in this world.  What it didn't tell me was how to heal it or live with it.  I guess I was not the only adoptee that felt this way, because she came out with a second book called Coming Home to Self:  The Adopted Child Grows Up. I am interested in reading this one, because anything to help me learn how to live with this and have better relationships would be awesome right now.  The reason all this came up for me today was that I had a conscious moment around a trigger as described below.

I woke up this morning with a headache, and not feeling well at all. Stuffy, coughing, sore throat and run down. So I stayed home from work to rest and allow my body to do what it needs to do to heal.  I forget how much not feeling well triggers the feelings of guilt and the people pleasing when someone tries to take care of me.  My love came home and picked me up from our apartment to some time with him as he finished work.  He then took me to the only New York deli here in Seattle so I could get some matzo ball soup. He did this for me - dealt with rush hour traffic, parking on a busy street, and taking me someplace he does not like, just to help me feel better and get some comfort, healing food.

It was hard for me when I found out that he was doing it because he loved me and wanted me to have what would make me feel better. I had to be very mindful about stopping my automatic speech and just saying thank you.  It was hard not to feel guilty but I know he loves me and it is okay for me to be loved.  That is hard, because I don't feel I deserve it. But he thinks I do. I believe in him and hope that will allow me to believe in me someday.

Lessons around communication

Yesterday was a full emotional day of learning to speak honestly about how I feel about things in my life and with my relationship.  I took inventory of the last while, shared it with my dear boyfriend, and realized where I was wrong and who I had hurt. I then as they tell you in 12 steps programs made amends. I took responsibility for my actions and apologized.  I was honest about how I felt as well. Maybe it was too much in one sitting, but I needed to be honest about the hurt I caused and about my hurting.  And through it all I wanted to fill the void I had deep inside.  The big black empty space that adoption created and I never knew how to heal.  Except by causal sex, alcohol, drugs and food

this time I have not been eating.  I have lost 16 pounds and it is because I am not stuffing my face to fill the void. 4 pounds came off since Thursday, and it is not from lack of food, but from feeling everything and learning to be completely honest in how I feel. It is hard. I be open with what I want even if it is not what another wants. It is hard. I am leaning to be more mindful and not just speak off the top of my head the first thing I want to say.  It is hard, because I realized yesterday how automatic it is for me to just say what I think the other wants to hear, even if it is not what I want.

It is hard but I am learning.

To Know Thyself

I did not realize how hard it would be to know all the parts of me that I hold in shadow. I put band aids over so much of my shit.   My spiritual path has me discovering these shadows, and have greater understanding on who I am and what created me. My biggest shadow and identifier is I am Adopted. I am just now realizing how much being adopted affected who I have become and how I am in the world. And to be honest, how it affects those who love me.

I recently began read a book on adoption issues, and read something that describes me perfectly. A woman interviewed talked about wearing a blank mask, which everyone drew on the face of who she would be. I learned how to be something similar very early on. I learned to tell everyone what they wanted to hear, to make them happy. Everyone's happiness was more important than my own, because I was chosen, I was special, I was wanted.  Funny thing is I never felt chosen or special or really wanted for the right reasons. I always felt I had to prove myself to be the "right" daughter, or employee or friend, or even girlfriend. 

I still do this today. I still am trying to prove I am right and deserve to exist. I am sure it is exhausting to those who do love me. Because it is exhausting to me.  I always give everything to everyone, not being honest with what I want, and then wonder why I am so drained and not happy.  It is a pattern. One that I don't know yet how to break, but am willing to find a way to break it.